In Memory of Gaje Jeffrey Florence

It has been a year since you died. Today is not a day of celebrating even though it is the one year anniversary of you death.

I cried, oh how I cried but my pain didn't ease. My pain has driven a stake in me and I can't pull it out.

It doesn't seem real and I try to make myself remember all those happy times that we had together and I am taken back to the day you died.

The day you died is a memory that I wish would go away. I can't sleep and when I do, I am awaken by this feeling that I cannot explain.

I try to push forward but I am stuck in time. Time has stood still since that day and moving forward doesn't seem like an option for me.

I am told that I am strong but on the inside, I am the weakest that I have ever been. I scream on the inside and no one hears me. I fight my fears but they have all come true.

I sink inside of this dark pitted place and I can't climb my way out.

I long for something that is no longer there. I want you and I would give anything to have you.

I begged God and I pleaded. I should have been the one who died that day and not you. Everyone would have dealt with it better if it was me. I don't understand and I try too but my heart hurts.

Please come back to me. I will change everything if I could just have one more day with you. One more day, that is all I ask for.

I am writing this a bit late but I still wanted to tell you how my Mother's Day went.

I woke up with a great surprise as Autumn, Christina, and Gracie gave me a bundle of flowers each. I was missing one though. I never received flowers from you this year.

Mother's Day wasn't the same without you here with me.

That night as I went to sleep, I had a dream about you. In my dream you were smiling and playing with the kids. I didn't want that dream to end but I eventually woke up. I am glad that I had the dream, I guess it was your way of telling me that even though I couldn't see you on Mother's Day, you were still here with me.

I miss Gaje. I never in my life would have ever thought that I would have to deal with so much pain. You being gone only makes me be thankful for the time that we had together and regretful that I didn't get to see you grow up.

I love you baby.