In Memory of Gaje Jeffrey Florence

I can’t seem to figure out my place in this world and I am trying very hard to remember a time when I was happy. I closed my eyes today and thought back to that time I had first met you, you were a happy child, always making someone laugh. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you and I can still hear your voice. I use to laugh because you could never pronounce my name correctly but you always smiled each time I would try to correct you. We made a joke out of it so much that your dad actually changed my name in his phone so it would display Rora instead. I moved back down to your Grandma Maria’s and I’m not too happy here. The kids seem to be adjusting fine but I am having a very difficult time. I don’t understand a lot that has been going on and I am confused about it. Sometimes I wonder if there really is a heaven and I know that if there is one, then you’re in it. Why wouldn’t you be? No one could ever resist that smile of yours and that laugh, oh how I miss that laugh. I haven’t dreamed of you in years like I use to and I’m not even sure what that means. I use to get so angry when someone or something would wake me up from a dream about you. It was the only time I got to see your face and I would get so excited about bed time because I knew that it meant a chance that I would see you again. I don’t have those dreams anymore but this doesn’t mean that I have forgotten you, I could never do that. Trevor’s first t-ball game nearly made me cry, it brought back memories of you playing on the field. I loved watching you and he is just as good as you were and looks just like you. I even took out a photo of you the other day and he asked me if it was him. I smiled and told him it wasn’t and he said, “Gaje and I are like twins but from a different year.” I smiled so big when he said this because he is a spitting image of you, right down to his voice. He even has the same double crown that you had and he loves to spike his hair. I miss so much about you but the one thing that I miss the most is how you, with a hug, would always make me feel like everything was going to be alright. I miss those hugs and I could sure use one right now. I feel the weight of the world on me and I feel like I am suffocating. Nothing makes sense anymore and I know it’s not supposed to always make sense but every once in a while would be alright by me. Anyways, I have to go now but just know that I love you and I am always thinking of you.

I miss you baby boy. Seven years without you and I can still hear your voice. I can see your smile and I miss that smile. I want to hold you so badly. I haven't stopped dreaming about you and in a way I am kind of thankful for that; at least I get to see you somehow. I talked to your dad today...he was pretty upset, I'm upset. Life has never been the same without you. There is a hole in my heart that can't be filled. A hole so deep that it makes the Grand Canyon look like a tiny pin hole...that's how much I miss you little man. I have never fully understood how something like this could happen and I don't believe that I ever will. All I know is that I want you back. I have struggled through this for so long and no one seems to understand. I will never forget that time that you did the sprinkler in the kitchen while I was washing the dishes. Always such a silly boy. I laughed so hard. I play that memory in slow motion each time I'm sad because it always brings a smile to my face. Your brother and sisters are doing good. Gracie, your little partner in crime, looks a lot like you and so does your little brother. I hate that you never got a chance to meet him. You guys would have gotten along so well. I cried so hard when they told me that I was having a little boy because you kept asking when you were going to have a little brother. I guess it was the universes way of telling me that things wouldn't always be so bad and that one day my tears would turn to laughter at the memories of you. I no longer live in the city. I honestly didn't think that I could ever leave that house because that is where I helped raise you but it is also where you died. I had so many memories there but each time I pulled into the driveway I got that feeling again. I didn't like watching you lay there lifeless...I didn't like driving back into that driveway because all those memories from that day would come crashing back and I would find myself begging for you to be there. I pleaded to every God that I knew that day for me to take your place. I made every promise I could and your still not with me. I don't understand why this happened and I am so tired of not being able to see you face. I need you right now. I'd give anything to have you here with me. Life isn't the same and I'm sorry. What do you do when the world that you know comes crashing down over and over again? I love you and I miss you sweet boy.