In Memory of Gaje Jeffrey Florence

Previously published at Associated Content by Content Producer Rosa Hayes


Each day I pass you on the street and yet you are not really there

I think I see you but I still only stair

I am lost in the wind with memories of you

Running back to the joy and hope and wishing it weren't true

Keeping touch with my senses and still burning inside

One day I will find you and get off of this roller coaster ride

I reach for the Heavens but I am only reaching in the air

I reach for peace but peace is not found there

I close my eyes at night and dream of you

When I wake I realize that is all true

I miss you more than anything in the world. Life doesn't seem the same without you here with us. I still don't understand how this could have happened to us or why you were taken from us.

I remember the rock on your dresser, you know, the white one that looked like a crystal. For some reason you would always bring it to me and tell me all about it even though I had heard the same story a million times. I didn't care though because it was something that you had enjoyed.

Your dad cleaned your room up yesterday. I couldn't do it, I couldn't make myself put your things away. I know that it probably sounds silly but it was like I felt that if I did then it meant that you were really gone. I don't want you to be gone.

It has been eight months since you died and it still feels like yesterday. I hope that i never forget your smile or those big brown eyes. I want to always remember you as you were but i still wander what you would have become.

Your future was looking so bright. I remember when we signed you up for baseball with all the other little kids your age. I was scared when you went out there because you were a lot smaller than the other children on your team. The coach thought that you were so good that he took you off of that age group and stuck you with the older children. Your dad and I were so proud of you.

I stood on the side lines and watched you play. Your dad was suppose to coach your team that year but it wasn't but only a few weeks later when you were killed.

It is funny to think that I wouldn't let you do a lot of things because I was afraid that you would end up getting hurt but in the end, I was just holding you back from what you would have become. I realize this now and I would have given you the world and everything in it. You were my baby boy and even death will not take that away from me.

I pray that you can see us and that you know how our hearts will always be with you.

Your brother has finally got passed the point of being angry but there are still moments when i worry about him. He misses you and I know that he loves you very much.

all of your sisters keep asking about you. Chrissy has to be reminded of what happened because she is so young that she forgets all the time. Autumn says that she tries to understand but it is hard for her. The two of you were so close. Gracie still goes in your room sometimes and plays with your toys.

Your dad and I sit around and talk about you all the time. I was suppose to have made you a cheese cake the night that you died. That box is still sitting there and I haven't eaten it since. You loved my cheese cake and would always try to sneak an extra piece.

In the end, you were the one who held this family together. This family is lost without you. I have so many questions that are unanswered. When I see you again, I hope that you great me with one of your big hugs.

I love you Gaje and I am sorry that this happened to you. I would have done anything for you.

I never thought that life would be this hard. Things that mattered most to me, well, now they no longer make a difference. I still can't believe that you are gone. It doesn't make since to me and I still look for hope but can't seem to find it. I dread the day that I wake up and realize that this wasn't just a dream but a reality of what my life has become.

I am more tired now than what I ever have been. The promises that I told you can no longer be fulfilled and the life that I had wanted for you, they are all loss dreams now.

I apologize to you ever night before I go to bed and I pray that you can hear me. Everyone acts as though the time would heal me but it seems more distant now and I don't think that I will ever heal.

I am struggling to keep up with life and I have watched as time has slipped away. I pray for a miricle but my prayers don't seem to be answered.

People look at me strange and as though I should just forget about the past. How do I forget about something as precious as you. I cry myself to sleep and hope that you knew how much I loved you and how much you meant to me.

I ask myself if there was anything that I could have done differently and how I could have protected you.

I am ashamed of how people were at your funeral and all I could think about is what you would have wanted. I know what you would have wanted and yet everyone else put your memories off so that they could make it about themselves. It wasn't just a few people, it was nearly everybody. I know the truth though, I know who was really there for you and who got to tuck you into bed.

Bed time kisses are no longer enough for me, I am tired of just having memories of you,I want you back in my arms.

I love you Gaje and I always will.

I was recently contacted by Donna Sanders, she is the mother of six year old Jessalyn Sanders. Jessalyn died on May 29, 2007 and her killer is waiting for trial. Jessalyn and Gaje were both six years old at the time of their death and both children where hit by a vehicle and neither of the drivers had a license.

The cases are similar to one another and both killers where charged with negligent homicide. Jessalyn lived in Tulsa Oklahoma and was killed while crossing the street by a man who said he was reaching down to answer his phone. For those of you who are new to Gaje's blog, Gaje was killed in our driveway after a lady backed over him. The lady and this man were both careless when it came to their driving. If it hadn't been for them our children would be here today and I would still be the happiest mother on this earth.

Loosing a child is unexplainable and it makes life seem as though it is not worth living at times. Watching the children come home from school everyday and you happen to see someone who looks just like your angel, you take a moment and then it hits you once again. The tears are unbearable and the pain is much greater than anything you have ever experienced in your life.

When the tragedy first hits your neighborhood, people become more cautious of their driving and looking out for the little ones but as time passes, they soon begin to forget what had happened, everyone forgets, everyone but you and your family.

Don't forget the children or the families who brought them up. We are human and as humans, we hurt and years from now, we will still be hurting.

Life isn't the same without you and yet I find myself trying to find a reason, searching for the answers that just aren't there. Each morning, I wake up with this pitted feeling in my stomach longing to hold you and wishing for this dream to be over.

I stare at you picture and I am reminded of all the loss dreams that we had for you. I want you back. Life isn't suppose to be like this with nothing left to give. I gave you my all and now you are gone. I tried, oh how I tried but God still took you from us and it doesn't seem fare.

With each passing day, I am brought back to the same memory of the day that you died. The funeral is a blur but I remember that one day so well. I still dream of you and I am tormented by the feeling of hopelessness. What do you do when you have nothing more to give to this life?

Love was a lesson that i thought I knew so well until I watched you slip away. Love isn't something that I would take for granted and yet I feel like I took our time together for granted. I wish that I had more time, I wish that I could of told you how much that i loved you and how life just wouldn't be the same without you here with us. I wish I would have gotten to tell you goodbye and that our time together was the best time of my life.

You will always be my boy and the one that I still think of when i drift off to sleep. Why is life so cruel to have let a child so young die. Why wasn't I warned? Was I warned? Was that what my dreams were about? Why weren't they much clearer for me to understand? If I would have just known.....

Life is not justified by the way we live our lives, it is meant to learn from but I am tired of learning things the hard way. My life will never be the same without you and life itself, well, it's just not justified at all.