In Memory of Gaje Jeffrey Florence

One more year just doesn't seem right. I don't understand and I don't think that I ever will. It's funny how time passes but this hurt that I feel inside is still there. It's been five years now and I still remember it like yesterday. I don't think that a persons last memory of a child should be of them dying. I still can't believe that you would be twelve today. Well, happy birthday Gaje and I'm sorry that your not here with me. I'm sorry that I couldn't make that day disappear and I'm sorry that I still have to watch as your dad mourns in pain. I don't know if there is a hear-after or if God even exist but if he or she does, then I know that they wouldn't be able to pass up your lovely smile and warm heart. I hope that you are getting my messages and the whispers that I send you at night. I still dream about you and I often wonder if that is your way of telling me that things are going to okay or if it is you at all or just me wishing that you were here. To be honest, I really don't care what the reason is that I still see you at night just as long as I see you. I miss you and I can't keep doing this to myself but I can't help it. It took me a long time before I started to feel your presence leave. I didn't want that feeling to go away but just like everything else, it finally passed. I laugh sometimes when I am doing the laundry because some of your socks keep ending up in the laundry basket even after all this time. At first I thought it was some cruel joke and I would cry each time I would pull them out of the wash but now I think of it as a way to make me always remember you. Like I could ever forget you. I love you Gaje and it's alright if you want to come and visit me in my dreams tonight since it's your birthday after all!

I was thinking of you today. who am I kidding, I think of you all the time. I still can't believe that it has been 5 years since you left us. It is like someone ripped my heart out. Your dad still cries sometimes, he thinks that I don't notice but I do. He has a sadness in his eyes each time someone says your name. It took me a long time before I stopped waiting for you to walk through the door. They told me that it wasn't a good sign and that I hadn't moved on. I don't want to move on. I don't even like those words. Your little brother looks just like you and when he smiles I see you. I try not to compare him to you but I find myself doing it all the time. It scares me that he will be in kindergarten next year. Each time one of the kids gets in that grade or turns six, I become paranoid. I can't help myself and some think that I am overprotective but they haven't had something like this to happen to them. I miss you so much and I still cry. I have controlled my anger towards the world but I still haven't controlled my sadness that I feel. I just wish you were here with me. I love you Gaje.