In Memory of Gaje Jeffrey Florence

I miss you. I mean I truly miss you. I try to be strong and I can't. I hide my tears beneath my hands and then they suddenly flow out between my fingers. I know your safe but it still hurts. I want you home with us. Your daddy misses you. He still thinks about all the fun that we had together. It seems as though there is always something to remind us of you. I thought that this would be easier but it's not. I wrote you a poem today, but I wanted to read it to you. I will bring it by your grave tomorow after I take you dad to work. I will read it to you then. I'm sorry that I haven't been out to your grave in a few days. It is a long ways from the house and the stroller broke, don't laugh, I know that you always said that I needed to get a new one. I guess you were right.

Autumn said that she misses you and she always wants to go to your grave to see you. She still doesn't understand that you are in Heaven. She asked me the other day, when she would be able to see you again. I told her that you would always be in our memories. She said that she knows that you are gone but that she still wishes you were here.

Gracie went into your room the other night. She crawled into your bed and cuddled with your pillow. I thought it was sweet so I let her stay in there for a moment. Her second birthday is coming up in December. She talks a lot now. Remember when you taught her to say your name? You were so excited because that was all that she would say for the longest time.

Christina still thinks that you are coming home. She tuned four a few weeks ago and she was upset because you didn't show up for her birthday and watch her open up her presents. I tried to make her understand but she is still to little.

I could have swore that I heard you yelling for your dad the other day. I got excited and could feel my heart beat through my shirt, I then realized that it was some kids down the street. I miss your voice.

Your little friends from down the street are moving. I haven't really had the time to wish them good-bye but I hope that I get the chance too.

I have dreams about you all the time. I don't ever get to talk to anyone about this because they don't seem interested. I will have to tell you about them sometime. I kind of like the dreams all though they scared me at first. I still get to see you even if it is in my dreams. You never speak in them though, you are usually just standing there.

Football season is coming up and OU will be playing soon. I loved it when you would run up to us and give us a high five when OU would score a touchdown. It is moments like that make me laugh when I think of you or that cooky dance that you always did. You looked like a water sprinkler. You would always do that and then say,' look at me daddy'. If he wouldn't look, you would run over there and jump in his lap. You always had to be the comedian and the center of attention. You've got our attention and you have always had it.

I have to go now, your dad fell asleep in the bedroom by himself and you know how he can be a big baby sometime.ha ha ha. I love you Gaje. Good night baby and I will talk to you tomorow.

Through my eyes, I see myself reaching for you
I can hear your voice, but only in memories
I dream about you, but it isn't real
I cry for you and the pain doesn't go away
I'm told, that time will heal all wounds
These wounds will never heal
I see the memories through my eyes, but they are only memories
I call out to you, but you don't come
My heart is blistered and a stake lays where my soul once was
My feelings are growing stronger each day, they are feelings of torment
Don't tell me I can't feel this way, I can't help myself
Through those shattered eyes, I can still see you

I got a letter in the mail a couple of days ago from the DA's office. I don't want to testify and neither does my husband but we have to. It is hard enough that I relive that day everyday of my life and that when I close my eyes at night, I see him laying there helplessly. I want this to all end. I am tired of feeling like i have no control.

I don't know how the trial will turn out. I do know that, I miss my baby boy. How can ones life change in a split second the way that ours did. I would give anything to have one more day with him.

I don't want our kids to grow up without their brother and with only faded memories. I am told to be thankful for the time that we spent with him, but it makes me so angry inside. I don't even know who to be angry at.

I feel like I am losing control. His grave is now covered with grass and the last time that I went there, I took the girls with me. His sister, Autumn, kept asking me why this happened. I try to explain it to her and it is the hardest thing to try to do.

Autumn and Gaje, were one year apart lacking four days. They ended up in the same grade because of the way that their birthdays fell. They were best buds. Now, Autumn is afraid to go outside, she is afraid of the dreams that she keeps having of him. She is scared that she will never see him again.

My life, has turned to shit.