In Memory of Gaje Jeffrey Florence

I don't know if I can handle this anymore. There is nothing that I wouldn't do to be with you. As time moves forward, I am still standing still. I open one door just to have it slammed in my face. I pray but nothing ever happens. I start to wonder if there is a God. I am told that I shouldn't ask that question but how am I not suppose too?

The day you died was the day that my life ended. I haven't been the same and probably never will be.

I hope that you are safe. I know that you have to be since you are not here. There is so much that I want to tell you but I can't find the words. I know that some people blame me, hell, I even blame myself but I can't keep doing this.

I wasn't there and I'm sorry. I wish I could have stopped it and even traded places for you. I know that if it would have been me instead of you then everyone would have been a lot happier. I pray that I will wake up and you will be here. I promise you that if I ever see you again, I will tell you all that I want to tell you.

I am sorry for the way that people had treated you when you were here. I tried to make them stop but i was only told that I hadn't a clue as to what was going on. I had a clue and I have a clue now. I watch those same people walk around and all I can think of is, why you? Why couldn't it have been someone else?

It has been a year since you died. Today is not a day of celebrating even though it is the one year anniversary of you death.

I cried, oh how I cried but my pain didn't ease. My pain has driven a stake in me and I can't pull it out.

It doesn't seem real and I try to make myself remember all those happy times that we had together and I am taken back to the day you died.

The day you died is a memory that I wish would go away. I can't sleep and when I do, I am awaken by this feeling that I cannot explain.

I try to push forward but I am stuck in time. Time has stood still since that day and moving forward doesn't seem like an option for me.

I am told that I am strong but on the inside, I am the weakest that I have ever been. I scream on the inside and no one hears me. I fight my fears but they have all come true.

I sink inside of this dark pitted place and I can't climb my way out.

I long for something that is no longer there. I want you and I would give anything to have you.

I begged God and I pleaded. I should have been the one who died that day and not you. Everyone would have dealt with it better if it was me. I don't understand and I try too but my heart hurts.

Please come back to me. I will change everything if I could just have one more day with you. One more day, that is all I ask for.

I am writing this a bit late but I still wanted to tell you how my Mother's Day went.

I woke up with a great surprise as Autumn, Christina, and Gracie gave me a bundle of flowers each. I was missing one though. I never received flowers from you this year.

Mother's Day wasn't the same without you here with me.

That night as I went to sleep, I had a dream about you. In my dream you were smiling and playing with the kids. I didn't want that dream to end but I eventually woke up. I am glad that I had the dream, I guess it was your way of telling me that even though I couldn't see you on Mother's Day, you were still here with me.

I miss Gaje. I never in my life would have ever thought that I would have to deal with so much pain. You being gone only makes me be thankful for the time that we had together and regretful that I didn't get to see you grow up.

I love you baby.

Sorry that I haven't wrote you in a while. This life has been a hard and I know that you understand why even though we don't.

You always asked your dad when we were going to give you a baby brother and we would just laugh because your sister Gracie was suppose to be our last but guess what happened?

I found out that I was going to have a baby and that I became pregnant around the same time that you died. It was strange at first and I didn't understand how this had happened but then we found out that we were having a baby boy.

Your dad and I talked about it and decided to name him Trevor Gaje Isaiah Florence after you so that you could always be close to him. I hope that you can see him because I know that we will always tell him about you.

WE all miss you and the days seem longer now but sometimes the hours slip away. It is hard to explain what we have went through but want you to know that you will always be loved and that we will never forget you or your tear drop eyes.

I still think about you every day and almost every hour. Your sister Gracie looks more and more like you every day. It is almost like looking at you and sometimes it makes me miss you even more.

I want things to be better but I now know that they will never be. I wrote you this letter because we all wanted you to know that we will always love you.

I love you Gaje.

WE are finally making progress with Gaje's law that was started by his father and I with the help of Senator Leftwich. Please take the time to view this article and pass it on to others. WE are trying to make a difference and with your help and support, we will be able to do just that. The article also has a link to the interview that was conducted with the help of Channel 5 News.

I am so glad that even after the death of Gaje, he is still trying to help people. Please view the article and comments are welcome on this blog and on the article listed. Thank you to all of you who have helped us through this difficult time in our lives.
Gaje's Law Has Passed Through Senate; On Its Way to House

Time is moving much slower now and the Spring is almost here. It has been nine months since you died and I can still hear your voice. Many people do not understand because I was only your step-mother to them but I was so much more.

I am glad that I got to watch you grow and tickle you when you came home from school. I am glad that I got to be the one who picked the splitters out of your feet everytime you would climb the fence. I am glad that I got to be the one who played with you out in the rain.

Gaje, please help me, I don't know if I can do this anymore. I stay silent but I am screaming inside. I watch the other kids playing with their parents, I begin to get so angry inside. I plead and I beg but nothing comes.

I seek for answers but in the midst of it all, I only see your face. What does this mean? I dream of you but I still wake up with an empty heart.

My emotions have gotten the best of me today and I miss you so much.

I recently had a comment in my guestbook by another mother who had loss her son two years ago. Here is her son's website if you don't mind checking it out; In Memory of Noah

She also posted a poem that was so beautiful that I had to share it with you all because it reminded me of the way I fell inside.


In Memory of You
I find an old photograph
and see your smile.
As I feel your presence anew,
I am filled with warmth
and my heart remembers love.
I read an old card
sent many years ago
during a time of turmoil and confusion.
The soothing words written then
still caress my spirit
and bring me peace.
I remember who you used to be
the laughter we shared
and wonder what you have become.
Where are you now,
Where did you go,
When the body is left behind
and the spirit is released to fly?
Perhaps you are the morning bird
singing joyfully at sunrise,
or the butterfly that dances
so carelessly on the breeze
or the rainbow of colors
that brightens a stormy sky
or the fingers of afternoon mist
delicately reaching over the mountains
or the final few rays of the setting sun
lighting up the skies
edging the clouds with a magical glow.
I miss your being
but I feel your presence,
In whatever form you choose to take,
however you now choose to be.
Your spirit has become for me
a guardian angel on high
guiding, advising, and watching over me.
I remember you.
You are with me
and I am not afraid.

(Kirsti A. Dyer)

I would like to tell her thank you so thank you Kathrin

Well, it's me again. Just thought I would give you an update on how things are going. Jessie and the boys took you a Valentine's Day card to the grave site. I know I haven't been out their in a little while but I will be here soon. My car quit working and your dad finally got it fixed.

I can't believe that it has been nine months since you died. It still feels like yesterday and I can still here your voice.

Gracie looks more and more like you everyday. I think that it's funny to see your baby sister smile, it reminds me so much of your smile.

I found a picture of you the other day. It was one that I took when it snowed. You begged me to let you go outside while we waited for your dad to come home from work. When I finally told you that you could, you took off outside with no coat on, no shoes, and in a pair of shorts. I cracked up laughing and told you to get back in the house and put some more clothes on.

By the time that we got outside, the sun had come out and the snow was starting to melt. You and Brie built a snowman in the neighbors yard just so you could jump on it and knock it down.

About an hour after we had been outside, your dad came home from work and jumped out of the truck and started throwing snow balls at us. We had so much fun that day and I am glad that I have those pictures to remember it.

I miss you so much and my heart aches every time I think about you not being here. Your dad has had a really hard time, so if you could, please visit him in a dream and let him know that you are okay.

I love you.

I had another dream about you. I am starting to think that there is a reason behind all of my dreams. It still scares me when I wake up and your not there. I wish you were here with me.

The cemetery should have your headstone ready soon and it looks so pretty. I can't wait until they put it out there, I hate going and staring at the ground, it will be much easier on me when I can see your picture staring back at me.

It seems strange to get excited over something like this but what else do I have to get excited over?

I wish you were here. Gracie sort of took over on your room. We have all your little toys and things to remember you by on a shelf in your room but Gracie goes in there to play. I hope that she will remember you when she gets older.


WE talk about you all the time and people seem to get tired of listening to us so we started just talking to each other about it. I think about you often and I hope that you are safe.

I'm sorry that this happened and I wish that I could take it back. I would trade you places if I could. It still feels like a bad dream and I can't seem to wake up from it.

I love you and you will always be my baby boy with his big brown eyes and that perfect smile.

Previously published at Associated Content by Content Producer Rosa Hayes


Each day I pass you on the street and yet you are not really there

I think I see you but I still only stair

I am lost in the wind with memories of you

Running back to the joy and hope and wishing it weren't true

Keeping touch with my senses and still burning inside

One day I will find you and get off of this roller coaster ride

I reach for the Heavens but I am only reaching in the air

I reach for peace but peace is not found there

I close my eyes at night and dream of you

When I wake I realize that is all true

I miss you more than anything in the world. Life doesn't seem the same without you here with us. I still don't understand how this could have happened to us or why you were taken from us.

I remember the rock on your dresser, you know, the white one that looked like a crystal. For some reason you would always bring it to me and tell me all about it even though I had heard the same story a million times. I didn't care though because it was something that you had enjoyed.

Your dad cleaned your room up yesterday. I couldn't do it, I couldn't make myself put your things away. I know that it probably sounds silly but it was like I felt that if I did then it meant that you were really gone. I don't want you to be gone.

It has been eight months since you died and it still feels like yesterday. I hope that i never forget your smile or those big brown eyes. I want to always remember you as you were but i still wander what you would have become.

Your future was looking so bright. I remember when we signed you up for baseball with all the other little kids your age. I was scared when you went out there because you were a lot smaller than the other children on your team. The coach thought that you were so good that he took you off of that age group and stuck you with the older children. Your dad and I were so proud of you.

I stood on the side lines and watched you play. Your dad was suppose to coach your team that year but it wasn't but only a few weeks later when you were killed.

It is funny to think that I wouldn't let you do a lot of things because I was afraid that you would end up getting hurt but in the end, I was just holding you back from what you would have become. I realize this now and I would have given you the world and everything in it. You were my baby boy and even death will not take that away from me.

I pray that you can see us and that you know how our hearts will always be with you.

Your brother has finally got passed the point of being angry but there are still moments when i worry about him. He misses you and I know that he loves you very much.

all of your sisters keep asking about you. Chrissy has to be reminded of what happened because she is so young that she forgets all the time. Autumn says that she tries to understand but it is hard for her. The two of you were so close. Gracie still goes in your room sometimes and plays with your toys.

Your dad and I sit around and talk about you all the time. I was suppose to have made you a cheese cake the night that you died. That box is still sitting there and I haven't eaten it since. You loved my cheese cake and would always try to sneak an extra piece.

In the end, you were the one who held this family together. This family is lost without you. I have so many questions that are unanswered. When I see you again, I hope that you great me with one of your big hugs.

I love you Gaje and I am sorry that this happened to you. I would have done anything for you.

I never thought that life would be this hard. Things that mattered most to me, well, now they no longer make a difference. I still can't believe that you are gone. It doesn't make since to me and I still look for hope but can't seem to find it. I dread the day that I wake up and realize that this wasn't just a dream but a reality of what my life has become.

I am more tired now than what I ever have been. The promises that I told you can no longer be fulfilled and the life that I had wanted for you, they are all loss dreams now.

I apologize to you ever night before I go to bed and I pray that you can hear me. Everyone acts as though the time would heal me but it seems more distant now and I don't think that I will ever heal.

I am struggling to keep up with life and I have watched as time has slipped away. I pray for a miricle but my prayers don't seem to be answered.

People look at me strange and as though I should just forget about the past. How do I forget about something as precious as you. I cry myself to sleep and hope that you knew how much I loved you and how much you meant to me.

I ask myself if there was anything that I could have done differently and how I could have protected you.

I am ashamed of how people were at your funeral and all I could think about is what you would have wanted. I know what you would have wanted and yet everyone else put your memories off so that they could make it about themselves. It wasn't just a few people, it was nearly everybody. I know the truth though, I know who was really there for you and who got to tuck you into bed.

Bed time kisses are no longer enough for me, I am tired of just having memories of you,I want you back in my arms.

I love you Gaje and I always will.

I was recently contacted by Donna Sanders, she is the mother of six year old Jessalyn Sanders. Jessalyn died on May 29, 2007 and her killer is waiting for trial. Jessalyn and Gaje were both six years old at the time of their death and both children where hit by a vehicle and neither of the drivers had a license.

The cases are similar to one another and both killers where charged with negligent homicide. Jessalyn lived in Tulsa Oklahoma and was killed while crossing the street by a man who said he was reaching down to answer his phone. For those of you who are new to Gaje's blog, Gaje was killed in our driveway after a lady backed over him. The lady and this man were both careless when it came to their driving. If it hadn't been for them our children would be here today and I would still be the happiest mother on this earth.

Loosing a child is unexplainable and it makes life seem as though it is not worth living at times. Watching the children come home from school everyday and you happen to see someone who looks just like your angel, you take a moment and then it hits you once again. The tears are unbearable and the pain is much greater than anything you have ever experienced in your life.

When the tragedy first hits your neighborhood, people become more cautious of their driving and looking out for the little ones but as time passes, they soon begin to forget what had happened, everyone forgets, everyone but you and your family.

Don't forget the children or the families who brought them up. We are human and as humans, we hurt and years from now, we will still be hurting.

Life isn't the same without you and yet I find myself trying to find a reason, searching for the answers that just aren't there. Each morning, I wake up with this pitted feeling in my stomach longing to hold you and wishing for this dream to be over.

I stare at you picture and I am reminded of all the loss dreams that we had for you. I want you back. Life isn't suppose to be like this with nothing left to give. I gave you my all and now you are gone. I tried, oh how I tried but God still took you from us and it doesn't seem fare.

With each passing day, I am brought back to the same memory of the day that you died. The funeral is a blur but I remember that one day so well. I still dream of you and I am tormented by the feeling of hopelessness. What do you do when you have nothing more to give to this life?

Love was a lesson that i thought I knew so well until I watched you slip away. Love isn't something that I would take for granted and yet I feel like I took our time together for granted. I wish that I had more time, I wish that I could of told you how much that i loved you and how life just wouldn't be the same without you here with us. I wish I would have gotten to tell you goodbye and that our time together was the best time of my life.

You will always be my boy and the one that I still think of when i drift off to sleep. Why is life so cruel to have let a child so young die. Why wasn't I warned? Was I warned? Was that what my dreams were about? Why weren't they much clearer for me to understand? If I would have just known.....

Life is not justified by the way we live our lives, it is meant to learn from but I am tired of learning things the hard way. My life will never be the same without you and life itself, well, it's just not justified at all.