Friday, November 22, 2013
I miss you. I never thought that life would be so hard. I still can't believe that you are gone. A lot has changed since you left and I don't even like the thought of everything that has gone on lately. I know in my heart that if you were here things would be so much better. It's like everything spiraled out of control and there is nothing that I could do about it. I think about you all the time. I still dream about you occasionally and it saddens me that I don't dream about you as often as I did. The holidays are coming up and this is the hardest time of the year for me and your dad. I still hang a stocking up for you each year and I still put things in it. I don't know if you can see me or not but after the holidays I take the things out of your stocking and place them on your grave. I don't cry for you as much as I use to and that bothers me; I don't even know what this means. I haven't forgotten about you... I could never do that. I'm just having a really hard time right now and I dont know what to do about it. I'm struggling to find peace with myself. I replay that day over and over in my head and it hurts so much. I wish you would have gotten to meet Trevor. He is a spitting image of you. I can see every bit of you in him. I know how much you wanted a little brother and he would have enjoyed your company as much as I did. Your little sister is getting big and smarter than ever. I actually think that they might skip her a grade which is kind of what they were talking about doing with you as well. Life has been hard without you especially watching everyone else grow up and still seeing your little face the same as it was. I know your dad hurts as much as I do and I'm sorry if I let you down. I've been letting myself down lately. I am trying really hard but sometimes I just don't know what to do. I am scared. I need you. It was like everything changed when you left and nothing ever got better. I hate this feeling. If I had a little more time with you I would make sure that you knew how much I loved you and I would have never stopped saying. I would have covered you in kisses every day and showed you the world. I miss your smile. I miss your laugh. I miss you from head to toe. I just needed a little more time. I want you back. Please come back. I can't take this anymore. I could really use you right now. I am sorry and if I could take your place I would, I promise you I would.
